Here is the story of finding out I was pregnant & all of the emotions, fears and questions that came with that. Before getting into that, I just want to say that even though my feelings were all over the place during the first part of my pregnancy, this baby was ALWAYS loved and wanted!
Wow, well...where to start? I have been meaning to sit down and journal about the crazy couple of weeks we have had, but I’ve honestly been too sick to do it. Gonna give it a go though!
On Thursday, October 24th, we flew home from Boston. After being in NYC and Boston for 8 nights, I was really glad to be home! I felt good on the trip, just seemed to be exhausted the entire time. (Side note #1—Brian had a dream that I was pregnant while we were in NYC...my response “that’s crazy” and we laughed and went about our day, never giving it another thought.)
We spent the weekend at home, relaxed & even painted Jonah’s bedroom, a project that we’ve been meaning to do for 3 years now! (Side note #2—while we painted, Brian made the comment “it seems like you should be pregnant since we are doing a painting project.” And we laughed because every time I have been pregnant, he’s had to paint a room without my help.)
On Monday, October 28th, I ran to HL and I had plans to meet Jerri & Kari at Inspirations Tea room at 11:45. As I left HL, I had this thought they maybe if I would take a pregnancy test, it would put my mind at ease and my period would go ahead and start. It’s been a bit irregular the past couple of months, which is unusual for me. So I went to Walgreens and bought the test. As I was driving home, I had this overwhelming urge that everything was about to change and this would be a moment in time I would remember forever. I’m not kidding. It was the weirdest thing!
I pulled into the driveway, walked into the house, and took that pregnancy test as quickly as I could. Wellllllll...the plus sign instantly appeared and could not have been darker. What. The. Heck. I just stared at it for a minute. My heart was racing. I AM PREGNANT?!?! This was absolutely not supposed to happen. We were planning to schedule a vasectomy before the end of December, like weeks away, so we could use our flex spending $. We are very careful & I’m just going to leave it at this...we were using protection. Hmm...? The tears came a few minutes later as many different thoughts came to my mind in a matter of seconds...
What will our kids think? I don’t want this to take away from them. There will be such a big age gap. Jonah won’t be the “baby” anymore. I won’t be able to be with them as much. What about Madison’s Creation Nation and DC trips? And what about our spring break cruise? (GROAN) How will I manage four kids when I can barely keep up with three? I’m not a good mom as it is now so this is really going to be a mess. How am I going to go through a pregnancy again? The sickness, the weight gain, the csection, the postpartum...it is all so very hard on my body. Oh and I am OLD this time! I feel way too old to be doing this again. This may kill me. (Actual fear.) Kind of embarrassed by it happening actually. I worry that people will think we were being irresponsible to let this happen. And what about the money...another little mouth to feed? What will Brian think? Will this put a strain on his health? Then I calculated the due date...JUNE...absolutely the worst possible timing we could have planned out, with Falls Creek. How in the world will that work?? We don’t have a bedroom for this child. We have NO baby things anymore...like NOTHING. And the huge, overwhelming emotion was this...what if we lose this baby too, like we did four years ago? Oh the heartache!
The tears turned to sobs as all of these thoughts poured through my mind. I had about 30 minutes to pull it together before meeting Kari & Jerri for lunch. I called Connie & cried and talked to her, and that calmed me down. I washed my face, put on some lipstick & went to lunch as if my whole world wasn’t turned sideways! I called Chesca’s office (my friend & doctor) and made an appt for that afternoon at 2:30 to do bloodwork. Lunch went well but I don’t think I said more than 3 sentences the entire time. It was fun to spend time with Kari & Jerri and was probably a good distraction for me anyway.
When I got to the dr’s office and checked in, I sat in the waiting room and cried. Chesca was very sweet & she prayed over me after I expressed my feelings about all of this. I had my blood drawn and she said they would call to confirm the following morning. Brian picked the kids up from school and took them back to work with him for a little while. I laid on my bed, trying to stay calm. I made dinner & they came home and we ate together. After that, I couldn’t want any longer. I had Brian come into the bedroom and shut the door. I said “remember that dream you had in NYC?” It took him a few seconds and his eyes opened real big...”you’re pregnant?” I just nodded and started sobbing. The first words out of his mouth, I’m pretty sure, were “well, what a blessing!” That is such a “Brian” response! He was very calm and non-emotional about it, probably because I was crying so hard. We talked for a little bit about all of my fears over it & then he said the sweetest prayer over this baby.
Chesca texted me the bloodwork results the next morning, which were very positive. My HcG count was just over 15,000. I did bloodwork again 48 hours later and it doubled to over 32,000, just as it’s supposed to do. By Wednesday, the nausea had hit me in full-force. I am now on day 10 of dealing with severe nausea every minute of the day, and it is the absolute worst. I haven’t gotten out of bed very much & I am fighting feelings of failure as a mom. But I physically can’t do it right now. Brian has been out of town this week which has added to the difficulty for me. My mom has helped & Kayla has helped, but it’s still been hard. I did pull myself together for a few hours yesterday to do the Fall Festival at school. Every single minute just seems to be such a struggle. The only thing that makes me feel better at all is eating. Which is why I gain so much weight. 😔 I’m already starting over 10 lbs heavier than I was with the others. So this time I’ll be even fatter AND old. So awesome. I really am trying not to focus on that so much, and just embrace that God’s plans are perfect.
I want to make sure I document something...I know it sounds like I was just upset about becoming pregnant again, but that is just because it is such a HARD process for me. I knew the sickness was coming for me. And I feel like a prisoner, trapped by it. There was also part of me that was excited and in awe that God would drop such a wonderful surprise gift on us like this! I think at the heart of it though, I just have a hard time letting myself think about actually getting to HAVE this little miracle, because I’m so fearful of losing it again. We are a few weeks down the road, and I still don’t think in terms of “we’re having a baby,” but instead “I’m pregnant and sick.” I will say that I am praying like never before that God would allow this baby to grow perfectly & healthy and be a part of our family.
I have a dr’s appt this coming Wednesday, November 13th. According to my calculations, I should be 7 weeks & 2 days at that point, with a due date around June 29th. I am so very anxious and ready for that appointment. There’s part of me that is in denial about this...I’ve read that high HcG levels can also be indicators of tumors and cancer. Of course I’m a worrier of all things, so I can’t get this out of my mind. I will be really relieved when I can see this sweet babe and we should be able to hear the heartbeat already too. With my last pregnancy, the miscarriage happened at 11 weeks, but the baby stopped measuring at 8 weeks and 2 days. Praying with everything in me that we don’t have to experience that again.
We are waiting to tell the kids for now...I really want to make sure everything is going to be okay before telling them. But I’ve been so sick that they have already started asking what is wrong, so we may have to tell them soon. Word will be out then though, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet.
So here were are...37 years old, with a 13, 10 and 7 year old...with another sweet babe on the way. If this isn’t proof that God has a sense of humor, I don’t know what is?!
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
Children are a gift from the Lord! They are a reward from him!
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope.
I lay my hand on my tummy every day and whisper to my baby that I love him/her. How I long to hold this little surprise in about 7 months!
God willing, this will be our rainbow baby, and will 100% definitely complete our family! =0)
This was the verse on my plate at Inspirations, right after I took the pregnancy test!
The text I got from Chesca with the positive bloodwork results.
And I want to end this post with this...
This is the prayer that I wrote 4 years ago the night I found out I was pregnant...it is still the cry of my heart & I couldn't have written anything better this time...
