SURPRISE!! Wait, WHAT?!

Wow, what a day...

I mean...what a CRAZY day...

Let me just get right to it. I woke up this morning with the thought "I think my period is a few days late...."

Now, I have to insert some insight and inside info right here...I may occasionally joke about having baby fever, but actually having another baby is not part of our plan at all. I say all of the time, "3 is my limit!" And honestly, regardless of how many babies I have, I think I would always be sad when the last one isn't a "baby" anymore. As women, we are built that way. That being said, that doesn't mean I actually want to have another one!

Soooo....I loaded Jonah up and drove to Walgreens for a pregnancy test this morning, the whole time thinking this would just put my mind at ease and I wouldn't have to worry about it when it turns out negative...I was sure my period would start in a day or two...

I walked in the door & went immediately to the bathroom, pulled out the test and within seconds that faint plus sign started to appear....Met with "no, no, no, no, God NO!" And an immediate outburst of tears from me. Like sobbing. I love babies. I LOVE my babies. I also already have 3 of them & that's enough! These thoughts were instantly met with contradicting thoughts of guilt for acting and feeling this way...I mean, I was weeping..."I can't do this. I don't want to do this...God please...no!" All the while, Brian is thousands of miles away in another country. This is HIS fault, ya'll! Pregnancy is not my friend...I'm sick, I blow up like a whale...60 lbs people...just wrong...I'm miserable for 9 long months and then I have to have my stomach cut open to get the baby out...postpartum is so hard...I was nearly hyperventilating at this point as these thoughts cascaded through my head...

So I loaded Jonah back up and went to the one person I always know I can talk to about anything. And I mean Anything! Everyone needs a friend like that, right?! Kari sat down on her couch next to me and said "what is wrong?" I just threw the Baggie with the pregnancy test in it at her..." The look on her face was priceless...I just started sobbing "I can't do this!" Over and over. As always, she encouraged me, made me laugh and I left her house an hour later feeling better. I'm so thankful for her friendship every day, but especially today.

Now what though? I think I'm in shock. As a person who has always been overjoyed to find out I'm pregnant, this whole devastation thing is strange to me today. I just know people will say things like "well you know what causes that, right?" And "well, maybe you should've thought that one through." Of course we know...and yes, obviously we slipped up somewhere along the way. But as I'm sitting here in my quiet house with all three of my sweet blessings sleeping in my bedroom, and the thought that another tiny little one is nestled in my womb, I have to acknowledge the quiet whisper in my heart that says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord." And "my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus" and "I CAN do all things through Christ who strengthens me" and "every good and perfect gift is from above." and "I will never leave you or forsake you." God must have a big plan for this little "BIG" surprise that he has dropped in our laps & I know He will walk with me through this journey.

It's strange to think that Brian is in another country, having no clue what is going on back home. I'm sure he will be calling any time now and I have decided to wait until he comes home to tell him. I just think it will be better that way. I'm not a good secret keeper though, so I'm anxious about how that will go.

My prayer tonight is just that God would help me to think rightly & have peace in a situation where honestly most of the day I have felt like my life is ending right here & now.

Father,

Help me...thank you for the gift of life that you have created & thank you for giving us another precious baby. Lord, I just confess that I have such mixed feelings today...I didn't want to go through this again. This wasn't the plan. Not at all. And yet, I know that your ways are not our ways but they are always for our good. Help me to have a positive attitude and a thankful spirit. God, Please let this be an easier pregnancy than in the past. I need you every minute of every hour of every day. Half of the time I feel completely inadequate to take care of 3 children...how will I ever handle 4?! Thank you that you promise to never leave me! Help me these next few days as Brian is gone and I carry the weight of this situation on my own. I love you, Jesus! These words have penetrated my heart so deeply lately so I will end this prayer with them, because regardless of the crazy and seemingly chaotic circumstances of my life, this most important thing remains...

Living you loved me,

Dying you saved me,

Buried you carried my sins far away,

Rising you justified, freed me forever

One day you're coming,

Oh Glorious Day!

Oh Glorious Day!

(You could just go ahead come tomorrow & that'd be okay with me, just sayin.)

I am so unworthy of your grace, yet so thankful for it! I rest tonight in the thought that you are the giver of life & in that, I find peace.

Amen

Part Two:

Now I have to add to my story...just minutes after finishing part one, Brian called on FaceTime. I was already a little nervous about appearing like everything was a-okay, but I did not expect the second sentence he said to me to be...

"Hey, I held a baby tonight!"

I held my breath, waiting for what would come next...I was hoping for "she was so sweet" or "I think it'd be awesome if we had another one." ....

I was not prepared for this...

"And I'm okay with never having another one."

Wait, what?! Did you know I found out that I'm pregnant today? With our 4th child that we were not planning on? Any idea what my day has been like?

I could see my face in the little screen in the top corner of my phone...I should have done a screen shot. I was somewhat speechless, a little baffled and I almost laid into him right then and there about how he had no clue what my day has been like and guess what..."like it or not, I'm pregnant and its your fault!" However, I'm so proud of the self control I conjured up...I just sort of laughed and changed the subject. Then he proceeded to talk about how they are climbing a volcano tomorrow...to which I responded "don't you Dare do anything stupid. If you even THINK about doing something stupid, think again! You have no idea how serious I am!" Lol!

Oh man, if he only knew! But I don't want to mess up the rest of his trip, and I want it to be a special moment when I tell him, not "well guess what buddy, you can think that all you want, but you're getting another one so get over it!"

To top things off, he then proceeds to text me a picture of himself holding this baby that he didn't even like, about 30 minutes after we talked. I mean, really?! If he didn't look so handsome, I might've had the urge to call him an ugly name!

I know he will be shocked and have the same up and down feelings that I have. And that's okay. In the end, he is a wonderful man and I know he will embrace this situation and love and support me through it.

I'm going to try to sleep now, although every time I close my eyes, they pop back open when I think about this life growing inside of me. I know I should be happy, but I just feel sad & anxious. Very anxious.

But it's okay...Lord, you are enough.

Part THREE:
Brian got home from Guatemala late Saturday night, and then we had church and Mackenzie's birthday party on Sunday. So I decided to wait to tell him until after all of that was over. I was just nearly bursting...I'm not good at keeping secrets at all! After we put the kids in bed, we went outside and laid on the trampoline. I'm not really sure how the conversation started, but I think I smiled and said something like, "Well, there is something I was needing to tell you..." That's all it took...he gasped and his eyes got really wide...he knew! I laughed! And cried. He was instantly excited, which was the reaction I needed him to have! You know, I wasn't too sure...he had just told me a few days before that he would be okay with us not having another baby. To say he felt bad about making that statement the day I found out I was pregnant while he was in another country, is an understatement. We laughed about that! We talked for a long time and then we prayed together and thanked God for this new little life. Brian was so encouraging and sweet to me, reassuring me that I CAN do this!
I'm still anxious and a bit overwhelmed, but it isn't nearly as daunting with Brian here to help carry the load. We are excited to see what God has in store for this little surprise baby!

Guatemala Week ~ Flying Solo

I'm always excited for Brian when he has opportunities to go on Mission trips. However...this was the first week long trip that he was gone on where I had to stay home with the kids the entire time. Usually I am able to go to Newcastle at least part of the time. But, since the kids were in school, I couldn't do that.

Brian always draws hearts on the kids hands before he leaves. Even with sharpie markers, they don't last long, but  it's still a fun thing they always look forward to. We definitely miss him when  he's away!

He left on Saturday and the girls had soccer games that day. Grandma & Grandpa Baldwin met us at the soccer field to watch them play. On Sunday afternoon/evening, we went to the Easterwood's to hang out for a while. I put the kids in my bedroom Saturday and Sunday nights. I sleep horribly when Brian is gone and I'm there by myself with the kids. On Monday, Grandma Baldwin came to spend a few nights with us. I was so glad!! That really broke the week up for me and helped a lot...I actually slept at night when she was there. We spent Monday afternoon/evening and Tuesday afternoon shopping with her. (imagine that!!)

The week really went pretty smoothly until Wednesday morning. I took the kids to school and on my way back home I had the thought that maybe I should take a pregnancy test because I was a few days late. (I really wish I could insert emoticons onto my blog posts.) Anyway, the details of that are in a separate blog post, but surprise...I found out I was pregnant! With our 4th child. That wasn't planned. While Brian was on the other side of the country. EEEEKKKKK!!!! To say that I was overwhelmed is like the understatement of the world. Somehow I managed to make it through the next 4 days until Brian made it home, without telling anyone other than Kari about what was really going on with me. (Wouldn't have made it without her!) I kept blaming my tiredness and anxiety issues on the fact that I was flying solo with the kids, but there was really so much more to it.

On Thursday, I had a much needed hair appointment and I ran last minute errands to get ready for Mackenzie's birthday, which was Friday. I spent Friday celebrating her birthday and we ended the day with the GA Sleepover. Like, I "slept" on the floor at the church with 30-40 girls! Did I mention I had 3 cookie orders and was preparing for a birthday party at our house on top of that? I really had hit a wall at this point, and I was hanging by a thread. But, I made it!

By the time Brian got home Saturday night, I was pretty sure he could never be gone from home again. But, it was a good reminder to me of how much he helps me and just how much stability and comfort he brings to our family. His arms are my safe haven, and I was GLAD to have them back! I am glass half empty & he is glass half full...I needed him to come home and reassure me that everything was going to be okay! 

This was a great reminder that although I was juggling a lot, there is always so much to be grateful for!

Slumber party!! But where is Mommy going to sleep?!

A pallet in the floor was the solution. They took turns sleeping in bed with me, and the other two got the pallets.

This was early on in the week...prior to the pregnancy test...doing pretty good!

Sunday night fun:

Going into Kohl's, and Madison was being such a good helper by holding onto Jonah's hand. I just thought it was so cute.

A quick Wednesday morning Wal-Mart trip...in pj's, no socks or shoes, and messy hair...don't care!

This boy always eats the top of his donut first.

Wednesday morning after dropping the girls off at school, I decided to try Starbucks. Believe it or not, this was my  first ever Starbucks ordering experience. I was texting my good friend Jill and she told me exactly what to order! I got a "Tall Pumpkin Spice Latte." (I think!) It's been a while since I ordered it. It was pretty good but I could only drink about half of it. Probably because I found out I was pregnant halfway through drinking it and lost my appetite completely.

So sweet...

We are used to Daddy helping us get ready in the mornings! He spoils me...I know! But, somehow we managed to make it happen every day this week.

Okay, so this was Thursday after my hair appt...

I love this picture, but it makes me laugh...

It is portraying calm, cool, and collected. Happiness. Beauty. Having it all together. You've Got This.

In reality...this is how I felt...but I know how to put my game face on.

After school, practice, homework, and dinner Thursday night I was praising God that we had almost made it to Saturday!

Mackenzie's last night to be 8... =0(

She, on the other hand, was very excited about her birthday!

I can't believe I'm even posting this because it's embarrassing, but this is what I looked like Facetiming with Brian on Friday. I. Was. Done. So. DONE. With him being gone, that is! He had no clue that I was pregnant, so he couldn't fully grasp what was going on with me. Later on he said, "I knew something more than you just being tired had to be going on." LOL!

Hallelujah, He's Home!!!

Disney on Ice: FROZEN

We went to Disney on Ice with G-Ma on Sunday night this year. The theme was Frozen and the tickets sold crazy fast. Sunday night was the only time we could get the floor seats that we like, so we went with that. This was the weekend of Carver's birthday party, so we were in Tulsa until Sunday after church, then we rode with G-Ma to OKC and went straight to the fairgrounds. It was also the same night as the Car Show at our church. Brian is amazing...after the car show, he drove to OKC and picked us up at the fairgrounds after the Icecapades so that I didn't have to drive home so late at night by myself. He spoils me & I love it! When we got to the fair around 2:00, it was sprinkling just a little bit, but by the time we got through the gates, a monsoon had arrived. Our dinky little umbrellas did very little to keep us dry. It was so bad that I had to go buy a $10 shirt to change into in one of the buildings. And, I realize this is far too much information, but when we were headed home 7 hours later, my undergarments (do we still use that word these days?) were still wet. Eek! We walked around and looked at the animals, went through some buildings, and of course consumed more calories than I could even begin to count! I knew the Frozen theme for Disney on Ice would be fantastic, and it didn't disappoint. The kids loved it and as always, my favorite part was the very beginning when all of the characters come out and the kids get so excited. It has become a tradition that the girls get souvenir cups with snow cones in them. Jonah got in on the action this year, but instead of choosing an Olaf cup, he wanted Elsa and Anna! After all, he fell in love with Elsa at Disney World this past year! I have to include that at the end of the night, we could not find the van. Brian picked us up in G-Ma's car and then we drove around looking for it...for I'm not kidding you...probably close to 15 minutes. We finally found it! It was crazy and we were all so tired! (And I was grumpy because I was still wet!) It was another great year at Disney on Ice, and I already can't wait to see what next year's theme is going to be!

Singing on the way to OKC...

These pictures don't do it justice...it was pouring buckets.

It wasn't bothering Jonah at least!

But it was a little chilly!

Madison stayed pretty dry, tucked in the back of the stroller.

We took some selfies while we waited for G-Ma and Mack to get us some corn dogs!

I was trying to smile, in spite of the fact that my clothes were dripping wet...

But this is how I really felt! I was mad that my hair was ruined. Oh, and I lost one of my favorite earrings. Didn't realize it until I got home that night. =0(

I was just so glad when it was time to go in!!!

This was hysterical...Jonah cared absolutely nothing about having his picture taken. On the contrary, he was fighting against it as hard as he could. Little stinker! I'm pretty sure he never took a nap on this day.

Thank you, G-Ma, for sharing this fun memory with us every year!

The set was amazing!

We got snow cones at Intermission.

Trying to get Jonah to look at the camera for a picture with his snow cone was impossible at this point.

Snow Cone/No Nap Coma...

And...this is what I looked like at the end of the night...scary!

The finale was so, so good!!