Crushed.

On August 28, 2024, our world was shaken. I am just now writing this down several months after the fact...it is now almost February and I am only just now able to do this. There's part of me that wishes I would have journaled as we were going through the beginning of this, but I was literally just trying to draw my next breath at the time. This has without a doubt been one of the hardest seasons we have ever walked through. For Brian, the hardest. This is just going to be a glimpse into our story...there is no way I could ever articulate exactly what this has been like, nor do I want to try. But as best I can, I'm going to go back in my mind, to that day that everything changed...

It was around 2:00 on Wednesday afternoon and I had just laid down in the bedroom with Jack to try and get him to take a nap. He had just fallen asleep when I heard the garage door open and thought "that's weird--I wonder why Brian is home so early." I heard the door open, so I got up and walked into the living room. When I saw his face, I knew instantly that something was very wrong. I will never forget the next few moments, and yet, it is all a bit of a blur. He looked at me and said, "I need to talk to you about something. I lost my job today." I actually felt like the air had been punched out of my lungs. I didn't cry right away, I just remember saying, "What?" "We are going to be okay." "I'm so sorry." "What?" "Why?" "No!" Of course Brian was completely broken. We sat by the fireplace and cried together. And cried. And cried. He kept telling me he would take care of our family. The short of it, is that OK Baptists is restructuring to a more Regional model, and because of that, they are eliminating some positions. Brian's just happens to be one of those. My initial reaction of course, was shock, anger, sadness, fear...you name it, I felt it. But somehow, by God's grace, I held it together enough to say the things Brian needed to hear from me. "We ARE going to be okay." "We will get through this." "I know this is bad, but it could be worse." "WE--you and me--we are just fine and in this together." I mean, let's face it--in ministry, you hear stories of moral failure all of the time. I am so thankful to God that we aren't dealing with anything like that. Brian's boss was very emphatic--this had nothing to do with his performance (he had the third highest evaluation company wide--he has been very successful at his job), it is just purely due to this restructure. I'm going to be real honest here--I am MAD as a hornet, as I sit here typing this. We were literally just pushed off the side of a cliff, as if the last almost 9 years of service meant nothing. Brian will have insurance and a paycheck until the end of the year, but that includes over 2 months of vacation and sick leave that he has accumulated himself. So they are basically giving him a 2 month severance package. We have to give his car and phone back, or pay out of pocket for them. Brian had to go into the building to get some things the following day and they were having a retirement party for a lady who has been there as a receptionist for 9 years. And yet, nothing at all for him--not even a "thank you for your service" email, phone call, or handshake from the two people at the top who made this decision. Unbelievable to me. To say Brian is crushed is an understatement. How could he not be? He has loved his job and he was completely blindsided by this. 

So here we sit...what now, Lord? Why is this happening? We are at the beginning of the most expensive year we have ever had with our kids. This is all just too much. We are crushed in spirit, broken and wounded. We know that God hasn't forsaken us, but it feels like it sometimes. The 5 stages of grief--denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance--we have no doubt gone through them all. At times it feels like we are drowning. We waited until the next day to tell our kids, because that was Jonah's birthday and we didn't want anything to take away from that. Somehow God helped us through going to youth Bible study and celebrating Jonah that night. When we told them the next night, they were very sad, as can be expected. We really emphasized to them that we are going to be okay, and God is going to take care of our family...He is still in control, even though it may not feel like it. But the reality is, it is hard to let go of something that was so good. They were all very sad about not being at Falls Creek in the summers. Over the next week or so, we walked around in a fog, trying to process what was happening. It's a weird feeling when the world all around you is moving on as normal, but inside you're dying and nobody knows it.  

Apparently, God is about to do something new. I wish we could see and understand what He sees and knows. In the weeks leading up to this happening, Proverbs 3:5-6 just kept popping up. We prayed this verse over our kids the night before school started, and we will keep praying it now...

Lord, we don't understand. But we will trust in You will all our hearts. We will not lean on our own understanding. In all our ways, we will acknowledge you, and trust that You will make our paths straight. We need You, Jesus. Help our hearts not to become bitter. We need you more than ever. Help us.