I came across this article the other day and it just made me cry. I'm definitely not at my best these days...I feel like a failure most of the time. This pregnancy has taken a toll on me physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually...and I know my kids can feel and see it. I keep telling myself that this is just a season & this too shall pass, but it hurts me that I am not able to be the Momma I want to be right now. I am trying...I just hope when they look back and remember this time in life, that they know how very much I loved them.
Again, I didn't write this article myself, but it feels like it poured straight out of my heart.
Dear Kids,
I'm sorry I was a jerk.
I wish you knew that sometimes when the house is dark and quiet, I come in and watch you breathe for a minute. I wonder there in the stillness if you know how much I love you. I think about the things I could have said differently, and I wonder if you let my mistakes roll off of you or if they stuck. I hope and pray there in the stillness that you would know how deeply and widely I love you.
You saw me at my best today, and you saw me at my worst. We cuddled on the couch this morning and your bed head was pressed into my chest. I smelled your hair and whispered I love you. I also lectured you about listening and not interrupting, and was way grumpier than I needed to be. Later, I laid on your bed and apologized for being a jerk.
You've seen me in all my colors and I have no facades with you. I am just one mess of a Momma that apologizes often and loves you with every fiber of my being.
I don't really know what I'm doing. I wish I did, but I don't. I do my best and trust my gut, but sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes I say things that shouldn't be said. Please keep telling me when I hurt you and I will make it right. We are learning and growing together.
Sometimes I can't find the words to let you know how I feel about you. I want to, but I can't.
Though sometimes I am overwhelmed and stressed, I wish I could hit pause and keep these days forever and ever.
I am proud of you. I tell you that, but I know you don't fully understand what that means yet. I'm proud of you in a way that doesn't depend on your successes or failures. I'm proud of who you are and I will always be your greatest fan...no matter what.
I hope my imperfection gives you permission to be imperfect too. I hope you always let me see your flaws and your mistakes because you know I'm safe. I hope you never hesitate to tell me when you've screwed up, because this imperfect Momma will love you no matter what.
My love will wrap itself around you whether you want it or not. There's nothing you could ever do that would make it stop. Not ever.
I am yours.
We're in this together for the long haul my loves, and there's no where I'd rather be than here.
I love you.
Love,
Momma
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