Jack Thomas

"Sometimes life is just so hard. Today is one of those days for our family. We found out today that this precious 4th baby that God surprised us with is not going to be held in our arms, but instead is in the arms of Jesus. Such a heartbreaking thing...so hard to understand, but we are resting in the assurance that God is in control and we know that even though His ways aren't always our ways, they are always best. Friends, you celebrated and shared in our excitement...thank you for doing life with us...and thank you for sharing in our sadness and lifting us up in prayer as we walk through these dark days. We know that so many have been through this before...I honestly have to stop and say that I truly had no idea my heart could hurt so deeply...I dreamed last night that this is a baby boy & I came across this quote today..."And to think, the first thing he saw when his little eyes opened, was the face of Jesus." Since I won't hold this baby in my arms this side of heaven, I find comfort in that alone. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away...but still I will say, Blessed be Your name"

I have been thinking about how to adequately write about what we have walked through with the loss of this baby, and to be honest I just haven't done it because it makes it all that more "real." But, I think it will help me, and just maybe it will help someone else out there who is going through something hard. So here goes...this is our story...the story of losing our baby boy, who we decided to give the name Jack Thomas. His life may have been short, but it mattered and we loved him deeply already, so we felt like he needed a name.

Last Saturday, I noticed that I wasn't feeling as nauseous as I had been...you would think this would make me happy, but it caused me to begin to worry if something was wrong. Then, on Monday I was a little crampy and I had a bit of spotting. That definitely concerned me, so I planned to call the doctors office on Tuesday morning to see if I could go in to make sure everything was okay. That night, I slept well and I had the sweetest dream that our baby was a boy...we were thrilled! I now know that God gave me that dream, before I found out that our precious baby boy would never be held by me this side of heaven, so that I would have that to hold onto. 

I had an appointment scheduled for Thursday, but I didn't want to wait that long. I just wanted to see my baby, hear that thumping heartbeat, and put my mind at ease. My dr wasn't available but I could see the PA at 11:30...that was fine with me...I was nervous, and deep down I knew something was maybe wrong, but I thought "surely not me...surely not my baby." Brian was tied up with something, so I told him not to worry about coming. He comes to 95% of my appointments, so it wasn't a big deal for him to miss one. As I sat in the waiting room, I prayed over and over "God, please let my baby be okay." I had also texted a few friends and asked them to pray with me. The nurse called me back and the next 30 minutes are a bit of a blur to me. Very quickly the PA came in to do the ultrasound and within 10 seconds I knew something was wrong. The baby was too small for 11 weeks and there was no fluttering heartbeat...I just laid there, numb and hoping I was wrong as she looked thoroughly to make sure she wasn't missing it. Then came the words that every pregnant woman dreads the most..."I'm sorry, but there is no fetal heartbeat." I was 11 weeks and 1 day pregnant, and the baby only measured 8 weeks and 2 days...his little heart must have stopped beating just a few days after my last appointment. This little baby who was due on my birthday wouldn't be born. My heart sank... I got dressed and waited while the PA went to talk to my doctor. By the time he came in just a few minutes later, I was crying so hard and fighting to maintain any sense of composure. I have always loved Dr. Nilson...he delivered Madison and Jonah...but I love him even more after the way he handled this very sad, unexpected situation. I'll never forget him walking into the room, handing me a box of Kleenex and plopping down beside me and putting his hand on my knee and saying "I'm sorry...not what we were expecting." He proceeded to tell me several times that I had done nothing wrong, and that miscarriage happens 1 out of every 5 pregnancies. That blew my mind. I guess I knew the statistic was high, but it had never applied to me, so I had given it very little thought. He explained that it was something that went wrong genetically at conception, and again...he told me that I had done nothing wrong. He asked how I wanted to handle things...naturally or have a D&C...like the very next day...my instantaneous thoughts were...uh, I don't know....I just want to go back to feeling miserable and I would even be okay with throwing up 5 times every day for the rest of my pregnancy if we could rewind the past 30 minutes and have a do-over. But, of course it doesn't work that way. I quickly decided to move forward with the D&C. I somehow stumbled through the motions of getting a rhogam shot and talking with the lady who scheduled the procedure. I texted Brian and asked him to call me...he did very quickly and I will never forget choking out the words "no heartbeat" and hearing the instant devastation and compassion for me in his voice. He made arrangements and came home shortly after I got there. I'm pretty sure I smashed into the wall in the garage when I pulled in, because I was so upset and not paying attention. I didn't even realize it at the time, but a few days later, Brian said "what happened to the wall?" Oops! Thankfully this was on a Tuesday when all of the kids were in school. I made it no further than the couch before I lay down and wept because our baby was gone. Brian came home and we cried together...our hearts were literally broken. 

I have had some very close friends experience miscarriages and I have walked alongside them through that...all the while having no clue the depth of their sorrow. It is something that cannot be explained or understood until you have been through it. Until you have felt the joy of having a little life growing inside of you...had the dream of having this beautiful child that God created and gave to you...the anticipation of what he will look like...will his eyes be green like his Daddy's and I wonder if he will have blonde hair...the love that you already have for him...and then finding out that the life you had imagined for him is not to be...your precious baby has died...that's right...the term "miscarriage" is easier to swallow...but in reality, if we believe that life begins at conception, and we DO believe that, our baby DIED. The pain and sadness is so deep, so intense...to be brutally honest, there were moments on this day that I just wanted to stop breathing because it hurt so bad. I wanted to go to sleep and either wake up from this nightmare to face a different reality, or not wake up at all. 

But, one thing I do know...God never left me...even at the lowest point...He was there. Even when I cried and screamed "WHY???" and wanted to throw something through the window in my living room. He was there.

Calling to tell my mom was heartbreaking...she just cried and kept saying "I'm so sorry," and I was also so sorry for what this loss meant for her too. Within minutes she had packed her things and was on the turnpike. She just couldn't stand to not be here, and I needed her. More than I even knew. (Insert a bit of humor...she was pulled over for speeding before she ever made it to the turnpike...the police officer very quickly let her go with a little "you need to calm down and slow down, or you will never make it there" lecture before sending her on her way without a ticket.) 

Brian and I picked the kids up from school and when we got home, we sat them down on the couch and told them that the baby in momma's tummy died and was in heaven with Jesus. I was surprised at the lack of reaction, especially from Mackenzie. They were about to head to a birthday party, and I was glad that their little hearts were not breaking like mine was. I'm sure their sadness will come with time.

I have the best friends and family...the texts, calls, food, cards...I could never even list them all, but the body of Christ surrounded us with love and most importantly prayers. Kari even came to my rescue and repainted my fingernails, which I just had done that morning right before my appt. I forgot to be careful and I ruined them all in the dr's office. That may seem like a silly, unimportant thing, but in that moment, it was huge to me. I really don't know how people go through hard things in life without people like this by their side. 

Because we had been so vocal and posted our baby announcement on FB a few weeks earlier, I knew I needed to let everyone know. I sat down Tuesday evening and with tears streaming down my face, I wrote the paragraph at the beginning of this post and put it on FB. 

The comments, private messages, and texts started pouring in. I can say with certainty that I have never cried so much in one day in my whole life...not even when my dad died...and I cried a whole lot then. My eyes were swollen, my head was pounding and my heart felt like it was broken in half. 

I was instantly filled with thoughts of guilt over the way I had been feeling about this pregnancy. I'm not gonna lie...it had been a HARD 6 weeks for me...I felt sick nonstop from the time I was about 5 weeks pregnant. I am a planner, and this baby was a complete surprise. I wasn't excited about the idea of being sick, gaining so much weight, and having another c-section...I was pretty much having myself a big pity party and as much as I don't want to admit it, I even had thoughts very early on in the pregnancy that I would be relieved if something were to happen and I didn't have to go through this: it makes my stomach literally churn to even type those words....how very wrong and foolish those fleeting thoughts were...they came from a place of sickness, depression and exhaustion...Every single day I have to fight against the lies that Satan would like me to believe...well, God showed you...you got what you wished for...you couldn't handle another baby, you ungrateful complainer...you didn't deserve another baby with that kind of attitude...what kind of mother are you? When these harsh thoughts fill my mind, I have to make myself listen to the voice of truth. That's not how God works. He loves me and he loves my baby. God did have a plan and a purpose for this baby's life, and even if I don't see it or understand it yet, I know that some day, I will. 

On Wednesday afternoon, I had the D&C. It was a miracle in and of itself that our insurance company approved the procedure...I'm so thankful that it could be done so quickly and I didn't have to go through the agony of waiting. I just remember holding my stomach and crying as they wheeled me to the operating room...knowing that when I woke up, my baby would be gone and it would be over. The nurses very sweetly tried to calm me down and the last thing I remember is weeping as they held oxygen over my face...the next thing I knew, I woke up and I was still crying. It was done. The whole process went pretty smoothly and it wasn't long before I was sent home to begin the process of physical and emotional healing. 

I am now a few weeks out from all of this, and while it is getting easier, I still cry a lot. We have kept going with life...we had Grandparents Day at the girls' school, we celebrated Thanksgiving with both sides of our family, we decorated our Christmas tree and put lights on our house, we enjoyed the kids being out of school for a week, my mom and I went "Black Friday" shopping...but all the while, in the "normal-ness" there is just this constant sadness and reality that something is wrong...broken...not as it should be. 

I do trust that God has a plan, and yes...I do believe that in all things God works together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose... but I still have moments when I am just downright mad. I would like to say that I am handling it all very well, completely trusting in the Lord, and walking with him through this, but that's not entirely true. It's hard...really hard. There have been a few days this past week where I just haven't wanted to get out of bed at all. A few days ago, I had a complete sobbing melt down on the phone with a complete stranger. So many people have told me that it's okay to cry...you have to grieve...I just wonder if the sadness will ever subside. I know it will never go away, but I long for the day when it isn't so consuming.

I do find great peace in the thought that my baby boy is with Jesus, experiencing an eternity of perfection, away from this fallen world...he will never be sick, scrape his knee, have his feelings hurt, or be in danger of any kind...he will only know the perfect, unfailing, Holy love of our Father. And until I am with him, I love thinking about the fact that my dad...his "Pa Shaw" and my Grandma Jean, and so many other loved ones are there taking care of him and holding him for me. It always makes me so sad to think about my dad missing out on his Grandkids... Especially Jonah since he didn't get to know him. I like to think of this baby as a gift that I could give him in heaven...a Grandson to love. That makes me smile (and cry) a lot! 

I will end with a few verses: 

James 1:17 "Every good and perfect gives comes from above..." This baby was and is good & perfect and even though I only got to have him for 11 weeks, I am so thankful for that short time I had him!

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit." I know this to be true...

So many precious friends have sent me messages about their own personal losses...it gives me comfort to know that I am not alone and that it does get easier. It also gives me great comfort to know that God knows my pain...after all, He freely gave his only son to die on the cross so that my sins could be forgiven. He could have stopped it from happening, but He loved me...a wretch like me...so much that he let his son die. I am so unworthy of that love and sacrifice. 

Like I said before, I don't understand why we are going through this, but it does make it more bearable knowing that God knows my heart...he knows my pain...and He won't leave me. And, despite this loss, God has been so good to me! He has given me three beautiful, healthy children...I have never been more thankful for the gift and the Miracle that each one of them are! 

The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away...still I will say...blessed be Your name. I find great peace and comfort in 1 Peter 5:8...

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power forever and ever. Amen." 

Life will move on, and the sadness will eventually diminish. I don't know what the future holds...maybe God will give us another little Miracle, or maybe he will just give us peace and contentment with the 3 that we already have. Either way, it will be okay.

One thing is for sure...this baby boy...our fourth little blessing from the Lord...Jack Thomas Baldwin, will always have a special place in his Momma's heart...and I know that someday when I enter into heaven, he will be there beside Jesus, waiting for me.