Rough Days

I really like to record the highlights and happy moments of our life...which FAR outweigh the hard times...but the truth is, life is not always happy and delightful...sometimes, its just HARD. The first few weeks of January were very dark for me. While I was excited about the thought of this baby coming, I was also struggling through depression and anxiety on a deeper level than ever before. On top of feeling constantly sick and being so tired that I barely ever got out of my bed, which was only fueling the depression that much more. As I sit here typing this, several months down the road, I am just thankful that God brought me out of that dark cloud and I am doing much better. I do want to write about it though, because it was very much a real part of my story during that season, and something I had to overcome. 

I wrote these words on January 3rd: 

"I am not okay. I have never in my life been this depressed. I cry all of the time. I just really want to die. I lay in bed all of the time. I pretend like I'm okay, but I'm not. I'm locked in my bedroom right now, just crying. I can't have Xanax. I feel so trapped by this pregnancy. I want to feel excitement and happiness but I literally feel like my life as I knew it is over. I feel very alone and like nobody understands me. And then I feel bad because I know these are all feelings I shouldn't be having. But it's not like I can just flip a switch and turn them off. I feel useless to my family, to the point that they would be better off without me." 

I know that my hormones were just completely out of whack, and to blame for most of how I was feeling. And feeling terribly sick and tired day after day is enough to depress anyone. I was just really missing my "normal" life. I did talk to my doctor about possibly seeing a therapist, and she gave me some recommendations. I didn't end up following through with that, because as I started feeling better over the coming weeks & I started to be able to get out of bed more, it did improve a lot.

Lamentations 3:22-24 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning: great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."