I have tried to post this more times than I can count, but every time I just can’t seem to find the words to express how these pictures make me feel. So I’m going to try again. As I look at them, I see beauty, pain, contentment, perseverance, peace, loneliness, happiness, exhaustion, patience, pride…but most of all, I see LOVE.
The saying “a picture is worth a thousand words” holds true…but if I had to sum these pictures up in one word, it would simply be “love.”
Motherhood is such a journey…the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. You can be sure that as I nursed my last baby, for the last time, there were many tears. The way God designed women to carry & sustain life is simply amazing. Pregnancy & breastfeeding are by far the most difficult things I have ever accomplished in life. But also the most rewarding, and what I find the most pride and joy in having done.
As this chapter comes to an end, I am sad. But oh so thankful for the gift of nursing each of my babies & providing what they needed for the first part of their little lives.
“The natural power of breastfeeding is one of the greatest wonders of the world. It is about real love. It is about caring and celebrating the wondrous joy of nurturing a new life. It is about enjoying being a woman.”
Breastfeeding has always been important to me, and something I tried to do for as long as possible with each of my babies. Mackenzie was definitely the hardest...mostly because I didn't know what I was doing! I nursed her for 7 months and it was extremely painful for me pretty much the entire time. About the time I finally got a handle on what was going on (ongoing mastitis) I got shingles on my back & had to start taking a medication that I couldn't take while breastfeeding. It was all just too much and I knew it was time to stop. I remember crying my eyes out over it though.
Then Madi came along and was just the easiest little thing...she came out ready to eat & I was just in awe of how easy it was the second time around. I had learned a few things that made it easier...like don't use a nipple shield & that pumping just caused more trouble that it was worth. I don't remember exactly how long I nursed her, but it was well over a year.
Jonah was also easy to nurse once we got past the beginning stages. I basically just kept him with me at all times & never used the breast pump. He was between 16 and 17 months old when I stopped breastfeeding him...I nursed him the longest.
And then came Jack, nearly 8 years later! I wasn't sure what to expect or how my body would respond to breastfeeding this time, but I was committed to giving it my all. When Jack was born, he had a blood sugar issue & he was coombs positive, which makes jaundice worse. They wanted to start giving him formula or donor milk right away in the hospital, which I wasn't at all happy about. I just wanted to hold my newborn and nurse him! It was a very, very hard start to breastfeeding with Jack and I think most people would have given up. For the first few weeks, we had to give him bottles of formula, and I had to pump to keep my milk supply, while we worked through his jaundice issues. I remember a nurse coming into my room the day after he was born and talking to me about how sometimes our bodies just don't let us breastfeed. In my mind I was thinking, "No way. That's not me. I am doing this thing." Not because I'm against formula/bottle feeding...not at all! Fed is always best, no matter how it is done! I just love the bond that is formed through breastfeeding & there is nothing like knowing that you are giving sustenance to your baby from your body, during the first year of their life.
For me, it is worth all of the pain...engorgement, cracking and bleeding nipples, plugged milk ducts, mastitis, waking up every 2-3 hours those first few months, the loneliness and exhaustion of nighttime feedings, the emotional and hormonal ups and downs...because, on the other side...the absolute contentment of your baby suckling away at your breast, the way their little fingers wrap around your finger or play with your hair while they eat, the sweetness that comes from moments that only you can share with your little one, the way your baby stops sucking mid-feed and smiles up at you, knowing that you are their life-source and that the milk your body is producing is giving them life, and the added benefit of breastfeeding to help lose that baby weight is always nice...yeah, its all so worth it.
There were definitely moments of panic those first couple of weeks with Jack, when I didn't think I was going to be able to nurse him. I am so thankful that I stuck it out and didn't give up. I said it above, but I will say it again. Breastfeeding is HARD. Like one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. (x's 4!) It's something that takes a lot of endurance and commitment.
So here I am, at the end of my breastfeeding journey...and my heart is pretty broken over it. I feel so much joy and satisfaction that I have completed this task well, but also just sadness that this chapter is ending. I nursed Jack until he was about 16 months old, and I just knew it was time. I needed Jack to sleep better at night, not be solely dependent on me, and I really just needed my body back and my hormones to go back to normal. What I didn't realize was that just a few weeks later, I would get Covid and I would have been forced to stop at that point anyway.
I cried a lot during the last few weeks of breastfeeding...I had feelings like "he won't need me anymore" and "we won't have this bond anymore." (see comment above about needing my hormones to return to normal!) I knew that was irrational, but its still just a hard chapter to close.
I took these pictures one day during one of Jack's last times to breastfeed. It is very out of character for me to take pictures like this, but I can't even begin to express how glad I am that I did it. (If they are offensive to anyone--well--get over it, because this is one of the most natural, beautiful parts of life!)
I am going to treasure these pictures always...when I look at them, I am instantly taken back to exactly how it felt to nurse my sweet babies.
The most intimate look at a mother's love...
Do you want some milk Jack?
Do you want some milk Jack?
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